Lli Oowii
by lost logic
Summary: When a startling situation comes to light within the depths of the lake, it becomes clear that something drastic must be done.A reluctant Rolanda Hooch and a livid Severus Snape are given a mission that could change history. The quest for a mate for Paul.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Ok. So this is the start of a new story that I've wanted to write about for a long time. I haven't written anything in a long time, so yeah, I'm probably a little out of practice. Thanks as always to Molly, my beta. Because otherwise my stories would probably be illegible. Also, the random nonsensical words Albus uses are actually Mermish words. yeah, I know, I didn't think it existed either. But actually there are several english/mermish dictionaries and translators out there. If you want to know what they mean you can review and ask me, or just look it up for yourself. But I'm quite sure your all bright enough to understand most of them anyways:) Oh, and I'm not British, as you will be able to tell. So sorry for my Canadian ways and if it really bothers you, review and I'll fix it. Thanks for reading & remember to review! - Sloane.

* * *

Rolanda Hooch awoke to find herself lying sprawled on the floor. Which happened more often than one might think, actually.

She looked around groggily and couldn't quite figure out what had caused her tumble until another horrible screech nearly burst her eardrums. After that, she figured that maybe it'd be a good idea to get up and stretch a bit, seeing as the castle was apparently under attack and everything.

Grumbling about how she could've had a nice, comfortable, quiet life living off her former Quidditch glory, she set about finding her elusive wand with the appropriate sense of urgency.

Another shriek made her move quicker. Whoever was screaming sure did have a set of lungs on them; her ears were still ringing from the first two, matching a delightful throbbing that had begun somewhere above her left eye. Finally finding her wand in its favourite hiding spot under the bed, Rolanda took the time to glance at her clock.

Four forty-seven.

Four-bloody-forty-seven. And on a Monday morning, too.

Honestly. She knew Old No-Nose and his merry band of Death Munchers were sadists and everything, but really, this was just cruel.

The throbbing sensation intensifying, Rolanda stumbled forward and picked up the first pair of pants she could find. Because really, who wants to go fight in a to-the-death-protect-the-school-against-the-forces-of-evil-duel in their nightdress?

Rolanda ran through the halls wincing slightly every time another god-awful scream sounded. She briefly wondered just who was making all the racket; it sounded almost animalistic. Lucius Malfoy was her best bet; he seemed the type. And the fact that he'd probably look better than her in a dress didn't do much to defer her suspicions.

* * *

She skidded into the Entrance Hall; wand raised, fully prepared for some death-eater-arse-kicking and instead found her colleagues staring at her as if she'd gone completely crazy.

Damn.

"Rolanda, dear?" Pomona Sprout's voice was slow and deliberate, as if she was speaking to a child. She glanced to her left and caught Poppy Pomfrey's eye, "Are you alright?"

Rolanda rolled her eyes. "I'm quite all right, Pomona." She saw Poppy inch forward, "No, honestly, Poppy. I'm fine." She looked around at the others. "Well? Where's that screaming coming from? I thought we were under attack. Is anybody hurt?"

She glared at her co-workers, some of whom were barely concealing grins. "Seriously people, what's happening?"

"Relax Ro, we're all fine. Dumbledore went to see what's going on," assured Septima Vector.

"Thank you." Rolanda replied, looking around pointedly. "That's all I wanted."

Snape sneered at her from his shadowy corner and opened his mouth to say something that would undoubtedly make Rolanda want to break his beaky nose. He had that affect on people.

Luckily, he was interrupted by the arrival of Dumbledore and the old Care of Magical Creatures professor, Kettleburn.

"What was it, Albus?" asked Minerva at once, rather annoyed. The shriek echoed yet again. "And why, for Merlin's sake, haven't you stopped it?"

"Alas, my dear, I fear it will be a while before it stops." He held up his hands to stem the flood of inquiries from his staff. "I have talked with the Merpeople and we have come to a decision."

Rolanda was confused. "Merpeople? What do they have to do with all the noise? Were they singing again?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "No they weren't singing, although underwater they sound quite nice, you know. I remember one time I was vacationing in the Mediterranean and…" he trailed off seeing the look Minerva was giving him. "Yes, well, perhaps another time, then …" He cleared his throat; "The source of all the commotion is what the Merpeople refer to as 'terrible squishy fiend with many limbs and circular sucky cups that eats grindylows.'"

Flitwick raised his eyebrows incredulously. "And they say that every time they refer to the giant squid?"

"No. That's the translation; it's much shorter in Mermish." He scratched his head thoughtfully, "I do believe that in their language the squid's proper title is Paul."

Rolanda snorted. "Paul? That's not exactly fearsome, now is it?"

Augria Sinstra collapsed into giggles beside her. Minerva arched an eyebrow in her direction. "What's so funny, Augria?"

"I-It's j-just—" she paused to catch her breath. "Sorry, it's just I'll never be able to look at that Hufflepuff fifth year, Paul Russell, the same way ever, ever again." And she began to laugh with renewed vigor.

Rolanda edged away from her friend slightly.

Snape stepped from his customary shadowy corner, robes billowing in what would be a rather intimidating gesture if Rolanda had not seen it everyday since she arrived. Honestly, the man tried _way_ too hard.

"If that is all then, I'll be going back to my chambers." He swooped in the direction of the stairs and was almost out of sight before Paul screeched again. Slowly, he turned back around and raised an eyebrow, joining the other teachers who were once again gazing questioningly at Dumbledore.

"Ah, yes, well that's the thing," Said Albus rocked slightly on the balls of his feet. "I'm afraid it's not in my power to stop it."

"And why not?" asked Minerva, fiercely.

Rolanda regarded Dumbledore sympathetically. An angry Minerva McGonagall is not something you'd to meet in a dark alley on the best of days, but an angry, sleep-deprived Minerva McGonagall was far, far worse. As Rolanda knew from experience, the deputy head tended to hex first and asks questions later. And they were nasty hexes, too.

Albus swallowed slightly. "I'm sorry to say that it really has nothing to do with us."

Minerva cocked an eyebrow.

"You see, ever since Godric Gryffindor added the first Giant squid to the lake, the Merpeople have had to uphold certain…obligations."

"Like what?"

"Apparently, every eight years the squid experiences a phenomenon known as _Lli Oowii_. During this time it begins a rampage through the Mer villages, destroying everything unless they give it what it wants."

"Which is?"

Albus sighed, rubbing his face tiredly. "A young _Lla_. A mermaid no older than twelve is selected to live with the squid for a year until _Lli Oowii_ has passed and she is returned."

Rolanda registered the shock and disgust present on her colleagues' faces and knew she probably looked the same. Minerva's fist was clenched so tightly on her wand that Rolanda was worried it would snap.

Poppy was the first to speak up. "Albus?" her voice was so quiet Rolanda had to lean forward to hear. "What happens when to them after?"

Dumbledore sighed again, looking more tired than ever. "The ones who survive are placed in care of their parents who find a nice _Lli_ for them to marry, and everyone forgets it ever happened until the next time."

"We have to stop it." Minerva shook with fury and spoke through tightly clenched teeth, "How could they?! It's an outrage! I know their society is different than ours, but this is unacceptable! Someone should have put a stop to it years ago! Albus, I demand we find a solution!"

"I assure you, my dear, that measures will be taken. As for someone putting a stop to it before, there's no way we could have done so. There is no record of _Lli Oowii_ at the castle because we've never known until now. The new clan leader, Murcus, is the first female chief since before the founders and also a _Lli Oowii_ survivor. She, in an act that has greatly disturbed the elders, has decreed that no _Lla _is to be given to Paul under any circumstances. Hence, the shrieking you all hear. The noise is one of Paul's ways of showing his displeasure."

Another shriek.

"I'm all for— what was it? —_Lla_ rights," Snape sneered, "but really, can we not just silencio the beast and be done with it?" He glowered at Rolanda, "Some of us actually have classes to teach in four hours."

"You can't perform magic on the squid Snape, it has a protective element in its skin," Rolanda smirked, "I thought _everyone_ knew that."

He practically snarled when he saw the look on her face, but Minerva silenced them with a reproving glare.

"Albus, there has to be something we can do to help. The chieftainess isn't going to get much support if everything is being destroyed because of her decision."

"Exactly, Minerva." Dumbledore smiled, clearly pleased with himself. "That's why I've found a solution." He paused and looked around the group.

"Really, Albus," grumbled Filius, "There's no need for the dramatics. Just tell us already."

Albus chuckled. "On our way back from the lake, professor Kettleburn and I discussed several avenues of action. The simplest by far was to find a mate for Paul."

"What!?"

"You're joking, right?"

"You want that monster to procreate!?"

"You can't be serious!"

"Where do you even get a giant squid? They're not exactly common, now are they?"

"Are you mad? Look at all the trouble this one's caused!"

Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, yes, all good points. And I assure you, that whilst I might be mad," Augria had the grace to blush, "This is the best course of action for Hogwarts, and more importantly, for the Merpeople."

"Yes, but that still leaves what Septima said," Rolanda pointed out, "Where does one purchase a giant squid? And how do you know if it's a match for _our_ squid?"

"A match?" Severus snorted. "Gods, Hooch, the thing is destroying villages, killing actual beings, and you're worried about whether or not he'll be pleased with whichever lady friend we pick for him?"

"Ok, first of all," she started angrily, "if this is what he does when he's horny, then how do you think he's going to deal with marital problems, hmm? Secondly, lady friend? Really, Snape. You sound like my grandfather."

Dumbledore cleared his throat, delicately stopping yet another argument. "I'm glad you asked. I have a few acquaintances I intend to ask. As for now, there really is not much we can do. I suggest you all go back to bed before breakfast and I shall report my findings this afternoon."

The teachers murmured their assent and began to disperse. Rolanda glared at the back of Snape's head as he stalked towards the dungeon before starting the long trek to her rooms.

* * *

McGonagall turned to Dumbledore as the others moved away. "Albus?"

"Yes, Minerva?"

"Isn't there anything else we can do to help them?"

"I'm afraid not. The merpeople are notoriously proud, and if Murcus is seen relying on us for help then things will become even more strained. Like you pointed out, their society is much different from ours, and as I said before, she is their first female leader in about a thousand years."

"And you don't want to do anything to jeopardize that progress." Minerva sighed deeply. "I understand."

"As I knew you would. This has to be of the highest priority for everyone. We'll have to make sure we put our best people on it."

Minerva shook her head, grinning. "Only you would send highly trained professors on a squid match-making mission."

"Ah, and only you would see the brilliance behind it." He chuckled and then winced as Paul shrieked again. "You know, something tells me I won't be able to sleep until this situation is rectified."

Minerva laughed, "A game of chess then?"

Albus smiled. "My thoughts exactly."

* * *

A/N: I know the end part doesn't really fit, but i love Albus and Minerva. You'll all just have to deal. So yeah, if you liked it and think i should continue it, let me know. If you think it's a complete waste of energy and resources, let me know, and tell me what I can do to fix it. What I'm really getting at here people is REVIEW. I'll love you all forever. -Sloane


	2. Chapter 2

"Brownies. Now. No questions."

Augria Sinstra looked up from the star charts she was marking in time to see Rolanda hurl herself onto the couch beside Septima Vector.

"Bad day?"

Rolanda snorted.

"All right then…"

Augria laid down her quill and moved closer as Septima summoned a plate of brownies. Rolanda immediately stuffed several in her mouth.

"What happened, Ro?" prompted Septima gently. Augria nodded enthusiastically, her mouth also full of brownie.

"Ask her." Muttered Rolanda sullenly, spraying her friends with bits of chocolate. "I'll bet _she_ knows all about it."

They turned to look at the newly arrived Minerva who crossed her arms and made an impatient sort of noise.

"There's no need to be dramatic, Rolanda. Albus merely requested that you—"

"Requested? More like ordered!"

"Well, he _is_ the headmaster."

Rolanda glared.

"What happened?" yelped Augria, surprising herself as well as the others. "You know I can't take suspense! Just tell us already!"

"Yes, before she hurts herself, please."

"You know that business with Paul?"

"Who?"

"The squid, Sep. Pay attention."

Vector regarded Sinstra incredulously. "Seriously Augria? You're telling _me_ to pay attention? I had to wake you up twice at the last staff meeting and yesterday when Binns tried to start a conversation you fell asleep in your potatoes!"

"No comment." Augria crossed her arms huffily. "Except for as _astronomy_ professor my hours differ somewhat from yours. And listening to Binns is like my own personal lullaby, you know that. Also, I'm an insomniac and therefore cannot be held responsible for where and when I crash. But other than that, no comment."

"Yes, well, back to me…" Rolanda began, "Remember what Dumbledore said? About needing to find a mate for Paul?"

"YOU'RE GOING TO BE PAUL'S MATE?!?!"

"What have you been drinking? Of course not!"

Augria looked slightly abashed. Rolanda rolled her eyes. "Apparently, I'm a prime candidate for squid matchmaking."

"Ah."

"Oh dear."

"It could be worse, you know," said Minerva.

"How, Min? How could it possibly be worse? Oh! I know! I _could _be stuck doing it with the man I absolutely detest with every fiber of my being and who, in his words, 'would rather take a quill to his eyeballs than have to spend more than ten minutes alone with me." She paused, mock-thoughtfully. "Oh wait! _That's _already happened, hasn't it?"

"HE STUCK YOU WITH SNAPE?!"

"Oh Gods. You poor, poor thing. We're going to need something stronger than these brownies, aren't we? By the way, Augria, they are delicious."

Augria brushed away the compliment, her eyes still trained on the sulking flying instructor. "It's my cousin Molly's recipe. But I'm afraid you're right. We just might have to steal some of Sybill's sherry. "

Minerva winced. "I _did_ try to talk Albus out of it. And don't call me Min."

Rolanda scowled. "I know, I know…it's just…GAH!" She lunged forward to steal a brownie from Septima. "I mean, why did he have to pick Snape, of all people? Did I do something wrong in a past life?"

"He says that you two need to work on getting over your animosity towards each other."

"But _why_?" whined Rolanda. "A little healthy loathing never hurt any one…"

"Be thankful it was only this," said Minerva darkly, "I have it on good authority he was contemplating a temporary binding charm." She reached for the last brownie. "That or the classic 'lock them in Filch's broom closet' scheme. Honestly, I know he's a genius, but sometimes I worry about that man."

Septima and Augria laughed appreciatively. Rolanda even managed to crack a smile.

Encouraged, Septima shifted on the couch. "Come on, Ro; tell us exactly what you'll have to do. I'm sure it's not nearly as bad a situation as it seems."

Rolanda arched an eyebrow.

Augria arched one of her own, mockingly. "Tell us everything right now, young lady. Start to finish, soup to nuts. And even if it's terribly, awfully horrible, at least we can still make fun of Snape."

"It's not exactly a challenge… Stupid, sardonic, abnormal, evil bat-like, spawn of dementor, greasy git."

"He's a complete asshole!" Augria chimed in helpfully, "The potions master from hell! Large-nosed prat!"

She looked at Septima expectantly.

"Uh…meaniehead?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Wait!" said Septima hurriedly, "I can do better than that!"

"I should hope so," said Minerva incredulously. Rolanda choked back a laugh.

"Umm…what about, uh, butthead?"

Augria looked rather disgusted. "Are you six? Seriously, I feel almost ashamed to call you a fellow Ravenclaw."

Minerva shook her head. "How is it you've never picked up any fowl language from the students?"

"I don't really pay attention outside of my classes."

"That would do it."

Rolanda sighed. "Do I have to do everything around here?"

McGonagall chuckled and sat back in her seat, ready to watch the show.

"Ok, Septima. Repeat after me. Snape is a completely."

"Severus is a completely."

"No, Sep, use his last name. It sounds harsher that way."

"Fine. _Snape _is a completely"

"Moronic"

"Moronic"

"Jerk-faced"

"Jerk-faced"

"Arsehole"

"A-arsehole"

"Bastard"

"…"

"_Say it_."

Rolanda looked so fierce Septima had no choice but to obey. She sighed. "Ok, but only because you're in a delicate disposition right now and I love you…bastard."

"Once more with feeling."

Vector rolled her eyes. "_Bastard_."

Minerva laughed at the look of distaste on her friend's face as Augria positively roared beside her, "That's the spirit."

* * *

Severus Snape was livid.

No, scratch that—he was worse than livid. He was practically apoplectic with rage.

Dumbledore, however, seemed supremely unaffected by it. He didn't even look up from his every-flavour beans as Snape raged around his office. "Really, Severus, don't you think you're over-reacting just a tad?"

"I think not!" he spat, gesticulating wildly. "I'm a potions master, damnit! Not some…some… squid pimp!"

"Squid pimp? That's quite creative."

"It's not funny, Albus!"

"Hmm? Oh no, of course not. I agree completely. Now, do you think this is paprika or genetically modified strawberry?"

"…What?"

"Genetically modified strawberry." Dumbledore held the two reddish beans up to better examine them. "They've added new muggle flavours, it's quite intriguing. But never mind that, you were saying something?"

"This is an outrage! You expect _me_ to give up _my_ precious time? And for what? To change the course of nature?"

"Severus," said Dumbledore, at last giving Snape his utmost attention, "You know how important this is. We have an obligation, not only as patrons of Hogwarts, but as sentient beings, to stop this."

Severus snorted. Dumbledore frowned. Snape sighed angrily.

"Fine."

Dumbledore beamed. "Wonderful! I knew you'd come around. So, do I have your word then?"

Snape sighed again. "Yes."

"Good. You and Rolanda will depart—"

"HOOCH?!"

"Pardon?"

"You never said anything about working with _her_! You manipulative old codger!"

"There you go again, Severus. Always with the over-reacting. She's not nearly as bad as you think."

"She tried to murder me with a spoon!"

"Yes, well, only once, and you were quite mean about her hair. It was only a little cut anyway, no harm done." Dumbledore raised his hands to stop Snape's retort. "I don't want to hear excuses. This is exactly why I chose you two; I won't have my staff members setting such a bad example for the students."

"Oh," began Snape, his voice positively sagging with sarcasm, "because the fact that every other word our Care of Magical Creatures teacher says is some sort of dirty pun or sexual innuendo and that our Divination professor is a compulsive drinker won't mess them up nearly as bad as some petty arguing?"

"Exactly."

"I'm leaving."

"You gave me your word Severus," Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling infuriatingly as Snape stalked towards the door. "I expect you to be in the Entrance Hall at ten o'clock sharp tomorrow morning."

Snape grunted.

"Splendid."

* * *

The weather was entirely too nice for Rolanda's liking. Really, why couldn't it reflect her anger or something like it always did for the main characters in books? What ever happened to crashing thunder and driving rain?

It wasn't until she reached the Entrance Hall that she realized why.

Albus Dumbledore stood, positively beaming, at the bottom of the staircase as she marched down the steps. As she drew closer she couldn't help but notice, somewhat pessimistically, that his eyes were the exact blue of the sky outdoors and that his smile was so bright it put the sun to shame. Apparently, she wasn't even the protagonist in her own life. Pathetic.

Her scowl deepened as Snape emerged for the entrance to the dungeons. She didn't think she had ever detested someone nearly as much as she did him at the moment. And judging by the sneer he wore, the feeling was mutual.

Dumbledore clapped his hands together excitedly. "Ah, Severus, there you are! I was beginning to think you weren't going to come."

"I gave you my word, headmaster." Snape replied through gritted teeth.

"That you did, my boy."

Rolanda could actually hear Snape grinding his teeth. She vaguely wondered if that was healthy.

"And now to business," said Dumbledore. "I have procured the name of several people who happen to be in the squid breeding trade."

He handed a list to Rolanda who immediately had it ripped out of her hands by Snape and then preceded to snatch it back.

"Like adults, if you please."

"Sorry. She started it."

"Yeah, sorry Dumbledore, I just –Hey! I did not!"

"Did to. I'm afraid our dear flying instructor may be hallucinating again, headmaster. Perhaps I should just go alone?"

"And get the satisfaction of discrediting me? Like hell you will!"

Dumbledore smiled. "Well, there's that settled. By the way," he continued pleasantly as Snape and Rolanda glared daggers at each other. "I'd try Jacques first. The others are somewhat…less reputable, as it were. Now off you go, no time to waste."

Snape sneered, turned abruptly, and swooped from the Entrance Hall in one fluid motion. Rolanda stayed only long enough to grimace and bid Dumbledore good-bye before hurrying after him, muttering insults under her breath as she went.

* * *

Albus was standing at the large window on the second floor moments later when Minerva found him.

"So they're gone?" she asked by way of greeting.

"Dumbledore laughed slightly and pointed out the window. "They haven't even made it to the gates yet, my dear. From what I can see, they keep arguing about who gets to keep the instructions."

Minerva smiled and shook her head amused. "Typical."

They stood watching the minuscule figures make their way across the sweeping lawn.

"I do hope they don't hurt each other too badly. A one armed flying instructor or a blind potions master might prove quite challenging."

"Personally, I think you're being rather optimistic. You'll be lucky if they both make it home alive."

"It's best not to joke about these things, Minerva. Although, I am quite sure they wouldn't—"

"Albus?" Minerva interrupted sharply, as Rolanda and Severus finally reached the apparation point. "Why are they still in their robes? Surely you told them Jacques is a muggle?"

"Oh dear."

Minerva sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "How exactly did you forget something as pivotal as that?"

"Uh, would you believe old age?"

Minerva snorted. "You realize _you're_ going to have to explain this to the ministry when the inquire about why two Hogwarts professors have single-handedly destroyed the statue of secrecy. The _prophet_ will have a field day. I can see the headlines now" she added, smiling slightly, "Deadbeat Dumbledore causes crisis, Minerva McGonagall named Hogwarts Headmistress."

"I knew you were plotting against me! Its all a scheme for the castle, isn't it?" cried Dumbledore, mock indignantly. "Although," Albus ginned slyly, "You do know it's the _Deputy_ Head's job to deal with inquiries and the press." He laughed at the look on his friend's face. "Oh, I can see the headlines now: Deputy headmistress' head finally explodes do to stress overload!"

Together the pair turned and walked away from the window, still bantering.

Exactly three seconds later Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington emerged from his resting place behind a nearby tapestry, slightly worried over the mental state of the headmaster and his deputy. He then proceeded to zoom straight down through two floors and three startled first years to the corridor where he knew the Fat Friar was and told him everything.

By morning the whole castle would know.

* * *

A/N: Sorry it took so long. Forgive me? I hope you liked it and want to read more despite my less-than-punctual updates. Leave a review! Really, tell me what you like, what could be done better, whatever you want. Seriously, you could even just review to tell me what your favourite line is, I'm not picky. Thanks as always to Molly. And thanks to all the reviewers too. (Hint hint, nudge nudge) - Sloane


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